There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she told me i tasted like america
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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