She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
