I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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