Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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