Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
