life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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