Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
