Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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