I must be too annoying 4 u.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
