Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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