I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
