Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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