you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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