I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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