I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
