Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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