he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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