This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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