I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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