This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
