Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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