If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
