Ambien. No doubt about it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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