He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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