I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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