I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
