its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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