Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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