Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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