goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
