I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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