Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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