Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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