Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
