I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize