Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My hand turned me down
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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