I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
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He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
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we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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