Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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