I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you never un-have a 4some
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
