I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
