i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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