Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
