Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
