Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
