He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
