sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
