with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
