you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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