I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
