I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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