Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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