I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
