I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
