Michael Bay diarrhea
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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