my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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