My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
