You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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