theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
